Imagine two nineteen-year-old young men/women entering the Missionary Training Center (MTC) for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). They are both excited to be there and are eager to serve. The young men/women are assigned to be each other’s companion during the duration of their stay in the MTC. They have learned to hold weekly companionship meetings. One day, one of the missionaries decides to inform his/her companion of some of his/her shortcomings. It comes across as an active attack on his/her companion’s character and was taken as such. The companion was defensive and reciprocated the attack. It ended up tearing apart the companionship and was a constant battle for the rest of the time they were together.
Some may call this a “weekly companionship meeting” to discuss any challenges that may be keeping them from moving forward and progressing. As I imagined this scenario, as it was being told to me, I was thinking to myself and writing in my notes “How can this be done to where people can grow and not tear each other apart?” As I kept pondering this in my mind, I was enlightened to a better way.
I certainly agree a weekly meeting between marriage companionships can be very beneficial. I have heard stories though of married couples going into, what I call, Pow Wow’s to let the other person know what is annoying to them, or they express what they think the other person is doing wrong, or they nit-pick about the little things. As I likened the situation of the missionaries to a marriage companionship, I believe this enlightenment I received can be a better way of approaching the weekly Pow Wow’s.
Go into the Pow Wow focused on your own areas of improvement that you would like to see in yourself. While there may be things that bother us about our partners, perhaps we can make that our goal to change in ourselves and can employ the help of the other partner.
Have some steps toward the goal that will help you improve in those areas.
First question may be, “What goals are you working on that I can help you with?”
Express that to your partner: e.g. “I feel I need to work on picking up my socks and putting them in the laundry basket. I am going to try putting notes on my feet to help me remember. I am shooting to get them in the basket three times this week. Do you have any suggestions to help me?” (If you are not willing to consider any of the suggestions no matter what then don’t ask for them).
The partner then can offer suggestions or they may even offer the question “How can I help you?”
As marriage partners, we should be helping the other person with their goals, supporting them, encouraging them, somewhat like a cheerleader for them. We should not be belittling to them and pointing out all their flaws. One thing I have learned, from experience, is when someone is pointing a finger at someone else they have three fingers pointing back at themselves.
For example: If I feel like my partner never helps me with the dishes than I could look at myself to see if there is an area that my partner feels I never help him with. When I find my weakness in that area then I can set a goal and change that in myself and offer more help in that area.
The thing is, we cannot make other people change. In fact, I know this from experience, when someone is told this or that is wrong with them, or they never do this or that, that person will become defensive and dig in their heels. It will not change them in most cases. Change must come from within. If they are willing to make changes we can certainly be there to help them along the way. We can do this for our spouses, our children, our extended family, neighbors, and friends. Look for ways to help each other succeed!
Be proactive instead of reactive! A good place to start is to look at seven different areas in your own life: Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual, Marriage, Family, and Career. Set one goal in each area for self-improvement and start your weekly couple Pow Wow’s today and start cheering each other on!