The other day I read a great article about marriage being hard.
I really appreciated the writer being able to express that marriage is hard, not in a bad way, it is just what it is. It takes hard work, just as anything worthwhile does. There are differences in so many aspects of how things are perceived. For example: how long we should stay at the in-laws, how to raise kids, and our careers. She expressed how “hard doesn’t mean bad”. I loved this! Worthwhile goals and dreams take hard work!
As a divorce mediator, I wanted to add to what Sonya Spillman wrote about. Having a marriage fail takes some hard work as well. Instead of focusing on the good things someone does, it turns to looking for characteristics that are wrong with the spouse. Instead of supporting them with their goals, it turns to demeaning them and trying to build ourselves up. It becomes a day in and a day out of making sure to point out the negative. Rather than building and strengthening relationships, we work hard at distancing ourselves, building walls, creating unnecessary conflict, and isolating ourselves. It is crazy so many people are choosing to make this their hard work instead of choosing to act to build and strengthen their marriages. The other day, I met someone that had focused all their attention on making their “ex” pay even though they have been divorced a couple of years now.
As Sonya expressed it does not matter how long you have been married, the reality is there are always new challenges and experiences which provide a curve ball and can make things hard. Keep working at it!! Look for the positive, support each other in the dreams and aspirations of your partner, and have a date night at least once a month (once a week is even better). Be proactive instead of reactive. Develop good communication skills.
I was reading in the Book of Mormon the other day in Mormon 2:23. Mormon is military general and urging his people, the Nephites, “with great energy, that they would stand boldly before the Lamanites and fight for their wives, and their children, and their houses, and their homes.” The Lamanites were the Nephites adversary. They were continually at odds with each other. Eventually, the Lamanites destroyed the Nephites from off the face of the land. How can we fight to keep our families together instead of destroying each other? We need to not give up because it is hard work! Remember, strengthening a marriage, or letting it fall apart, takes hard work either way! So, why not put our effort into strengthening our marriage, our family, and our homes as a place of safety.
We can begin by looking at what we want our outcome to be. Once we have determined our destination, we need to look at the things we will incorporate on the journey that will help us reach our destination. If my destination is to have a family that is forever, then what do I need to do and change in my life to get there. Perhaps, I need to be less selfish and more giving, or I may need to give up looking for negative things around me, or work on showing empathy, perhaps I must be willing to say I am sorry when needed. We all have little idiosyncrasies that we can change for the better. The question you can ask yourself, or if you want to ask your higher power, is “what is one thing I can work on changing in myself that will help strengthen my family?” I asked my higher power, my Heavenly Father, this question and I discovered I need to be more sensitive to what my family members are going through. Once I had this answer, I came up with some ways I can be more sensitive. Is it going to be easy? Most likely not! Will I have to put in some hard work? Most definitely, yes! Will it be worth it? Yes, it will, because it will strengthen relationships!
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