As I started on this topic, I had to ask myself, “Seeketh not her own what?” I then started to answer “Seeketh not his/her own will, his/her own way of doing things, his/her own desires over another’s, his/her own goals regardless of how it affects partner, his/her own gratification, and I am sure we could add on to this.” Basically, we want to strive to become selfless not selfish in our marriage.
I remember a story from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Conference talk in October of 2005 by Sister Susan Tanner. She shared how she suffered with acne as a teenager, however, her mother taught her a higher law with this statement, said she, “You must do everything you can to make your appearance pleasing, but the minute you walk out the door, forget yourself and start concentrating on others.”
I wonder how many of us as soon as we say the “I do’s” in a marriage ceremony and walk through that door that we forget our self and start concentrating on our partner? At first it seemed easy for me for a little while, but as time went on, I gravitated to forgetting my partner and started concentrating on my family and myself again because I lost my balance between the three. I think there has to be balance! As stated in what Sis. Tanner was taught, she worked on herself and then when she was ready and confident, she then could forget herself and help others.
Here are some suggestions on how to balance taking care of our emotional and physical needs as well as our partners:
Hold a weekly-couples Pow Wow. Check in with each other to see what your partner’s needs and goals are for the week and how you can help. If it is determined you can help, then make sure to follow through.
Court each other. Continue the expressions of affection, kindness, and keep love alive and growing in the relationship.
Keep the communication channels open so when issues come up they can be discussed in a safe environment. A safe environment is one where manipulation, threats, and blame do not occur. When conflict arises, it can be very difficult to be selfless when we feel we aren’t being listened to, our goals aren’t being considered, and we do not feel that we are understood. If your needs in conflict aren't being met then perhaps your partner is feeling the same way. This may call for a timeout to calm down, think things through, and self-reflect about your triggers.
Continue to develop yourself and your talents so you do not lose sight of who you are and what you enjoy. It is very easy to get caught up in just raising kids, or working all the time, or watching TV when at home, or playing video games, or doing our own thing when we get home so we can relax. When we do this, we can feel there is nothing to us, but meeting other’s needs. We can also become too indulgent on ourselves and then our relationships suffer. Take time out for self, for your partner, and family time. For example: exercise, study your scriptures, take a class, or work on a project. The cool thing is you can do this with your partner as well. This helps to discover even more about each other.
Take turns choosing an activity to do together so that you both experience what the other person enjoys.
Look for opportunities to help lighten the burden of your partner without being asked.
These are just a few ideas. I am sure you already promote acts of selflessness. With all things, we can do a quick self-check to see how we are doing and where we can improve.
In John 15:13 in the KJ New Testament, the Savior taught, “Greater love hath no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friends.” As spouses, we lay down our old life, sacrificing our individual wants and needs for our closest friend, our spouse. The more we do this and it is reciprocal, the stronger our marriage will be.